Monday 29 February 2016

Lonely Or In Love... Help!


Hi there! How are you today? I know I should have posted a Quote of the week because it’s Monday, but there is something that is really bugging me and I feel like I have to write about it, and maybe someone will have a bit of advice for me.

Writing this is really hard for me because it’s an issue that I’ve had for years and I feel like at 20, I should be over it. I never thought it would last for such a long time, and it actually embarasses me a lot. But if I can’t put it here, where would I put it?

Sorry about my rambling, but this is a delicate topic for me. As I’ve said before, I was bullied for a long time, 8 years intermittently. This led me to depression, anxiety and, most importantly for the topic that I’m talking about today, social phobia. I spent a long time having panic of socialising. The sole thought of hugs made me crawl under my bed sheets. I couldn’t have physical contact with anyone because I was too scared. Then I met a boy who took me out of that well and became my best friend. Of course, I fell madly in love with him. How couldn’t I? But things didn’t end up well, and I was left more lonely than I had been previously. I fell back down. And it took me a while to recover.

The thing is… I feel like all those years of isolation were the years in which other people learned to socialise. They got it wrong so many times, but now they know. And I don’t, because I didn’t go through that apart from this only time, and I feel like I’m miles away from where I should be. I grew up too fast in some things, and I’m behind in others. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to socialise “properly”, if that’s even a thing.

The ending of that kind of relationship I had with that boy left me in pieces. He had been the only person I had trusted in a long time and it destroyed me. It took a long time to build myself up, and this time I had to do it on my own. And here I am now.

Sorry again, I don’t know if this is getting too long, but I needed to write the context. The thing is… I’m as scared of being in love as I want to. I’m in love with the idea of being in love. And I swear… sometimes I feel so alone. And here comes the problem. A friend of mine told me how she thinks a boy has a crush on me. I’m not gonna lie… I do look at him with different eyes. But I don’t know if I like like him or I just feel lonely. He is amazing and I wouldn’t want to do that to him. I wouldn’t want to be with him if it’s just that I feel alone. But the problem is things have gotten to a point where I don’t even know how to differentiate both things. How do I know if I’m in love or I just feel alone? Am I in love with him or just with the idea of being with someone? Every time I see him now I’m super tense because I feel like he’s going to say something about that and I don’t want to answer that question. I can’t answer that question. And he doesn’t deserve it.

I don’t know if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like I’m horrible for what I’m doing to him, even though I haven’t really done anything. But just for having these thoughts. I feel like he deserves someone who is completely, 100% mad about him. And I can’t be that person, at least not yet. Sometimes I think I should go away from him so he can find someone better. I’m just a complete mess right now, and I couldn’t think about anything else, so I wrote it.

Anyways, this is me right now. You’ve seen my thoughts or my advice with some things, but with this? I’m really lost. I’ve always been.

Thanks for reading my rambling and sorry about it! I promise Friday’s post will be more cheerful!

A big big hug!


Acqua

13 comments:

  1. I think it's natural to feel like this when things have been so bad for you in the past. What I'd suggest is try to get to know him first, and try to be friends before you even think about dating. That way you can tell if he's not someone you would hang out with, or someone that you'd rather be friends with. Get to know him before jumping in the deep end; in the long run, it probably will pay off.

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    1. Thanks girl! Yes, we actually are good friends, and in theory he's perfect for me, honestly hahaha But I can't make my mind up! Let's see how it goes :) xx

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  2. Hey Acqua
    I hope you will figure this out to a good end of course but i think so. IÄm really soory if I can't give you a ggod advice in this Situation but if you Need somebody to talk just email me!!! :*
    I really also like reading those not cheerful post it is very interesting although I'm a bit sorry for you (hopefully that doesn't Sound weird)
    xxx Girl on rainbow

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! It doesn't sound weird, I totally get it hahaha We all have ups and downs, and it's also good to see both sides! xx

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  3. hey...I read every word and I really hope you get through this. I kinda know what you are feeling, except I've really guarded my heart and have never even been so close with anyone...now that I am older I do contemplate the feeling of am I in love or just lonely whenever I get close to a guy and in the end I always just let go and think the guy deserves someone much better. At the end of the day I always believe if it was meant to be, then it will. if you already are friends, you should be able to explain the situation and get his feel on it and just play it day by day. I would rather go slow and steady then rush into something.

    xoxo,
    geri

    http://everydaylivingnyc.blogspot.com/

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    1. I also think it will happen if it's meant to be, but I have to act, right? I mean, it will work out if it has to, but it won't come alone. I'm sad to see you're also struggling! Hugs coming your way! xx

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  4. Hi! This a great post & really brave of you to write. I'd suggest, like some people have said above, just get to know him & see how it goes! I hope it works out okay in the end ♥ xx

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    1. Thank you so much! Your support means the world! xx

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  5. I don't think he deserves you, don't let him bother you! I'm so sorry I can't be much of a help x
    hannahwillblogg.blogspot.com

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    1. Don't worry! He's completely deserving hahaha What I'm wondering is if I deserve him! Thanks for your comment! xx

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  6. I don't think he deserves you, don't let him bother you! I'm so sorry I can't be much of a help x
    hannahwillblogg.blogspot.com

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  7. Hey acqua, dont stress your self on things like this. Take time don't feel like you are forced to make a decision right now, you have time. Enjoy life now, don't worry about the future or things like that. Trust me when the time comes you will know what exactly do you want :)

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    1. Thanks so much! Your comments always make me feel at ease hahaha I think you're right, I just have to stop stressing over things like this :) Thank you! xx

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