Saturday, 10 September 2016

I didn't want to live | #WorldSuicidePreventionDay



The thought of this post scares me to my spine. I'm really, really frightened about writing this, but I feel like it might help someone... and it was about time I told my story.

I don't have any problem with telling I had anxiety, depression and social phobia. I can admit it openly, I'm just vague about it. What I keep extremely hidden are the details, just like the fact I wanted to commit suicide. Less than a handful of people knew it. Until now.

First of all, I want to give a shoutout to Jolien Nathalie, because she opened about her experience with depression and suicide and she inspired me to write this post. Go over to her blog because she's amazing!

Okay, let's get to it. I was 8 the first time someone bullied me. I was a bit too smart and a bit too nice and ingenuous for others not to use this against me. This situation got bigger and bigger and I was left alone for three years. Then, I left elementary school and started high school on a different place than my former classmates, so I was ready to start again.

Only I couldn't because I got bullied again. I got bullied on high school. I got bullied on the Summer sports camp. I got bullied on my extracurricular activities. Wherever I went, I didn't fit in. I thought everybody hated me, and what's worst, I thought I deserved it. By the time I turned 14, I was deep into a depression and social phobia from which I couldn't escape.

I was so sure something inside me was rotten and wrong and I wasn't enough that I started to feed on those thoughts. The first time the idea of stopping it all came to my mind, I pushed it aside as quickly as I could. But it kept coming and it became stronger and stronger every time. A month after turning 15, I was on holidays in Italy and felt really attacked by my family, and I just felt like it was really wrong that I was alive. I ran away from them and found the worst thing I could have found: a balcony. I looked down and knew that, if I jumped, it would all be over.

The thing is... I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to live any more. When you're at that point, you become your pain. And everything you want is for the pain to stop because you just can't handle it any more.

There I was, looking desperately for a reason not to jump and not finding any. Until a face came to my mind. I told you a long time ago I owe a lot to my best friend, who has Down Syndrome, and it's true. I literally owe her my life. When I saw her face, I stepped back and knew my life had produced something good. I knew I was good for her. I was enough because she thought I was. So I stepped back and I cried.

Since that moment, I've fallen into depression again. Two years later anxiety paid a visit and hasn't gone away completely. I've self-harmed. I've cried. I've seen people commit suicide and I've seen people try and fail. I've had highs and lows, but I've never come that close to killing myself because I know I mustn't.

What do I do on those low moments? I fill a list. I write down all the things I would have missed if I had died on that day. I wouldn't have seen my brother and sister blossom. I wouldn't have read books and watched TV series and movies that struck me as they did. I wouldn't have found my beliefs. I wouldn't have known who once was my best guy friend.

I wouldn't have written as much as I have.

I wouldn't have worked with children and received the love and happiness that has come from it.

I swear... it hasn't been light-hearted, it hasn't been easy, but it has been a hell of a ride and I wouldn't change the things on that list for the world. Life hurts, but somehow, I've fallen in love with it. If I have done so much in six years... just imagine what the years to come could bring me.

So if you're going through something similar, I have some things to tell you.

Hold on. Have hope. Trust me on this: you'll do so much. There's a blank page ahead of you and you decide what to fill it with. You'll cry. You'll laugh. You are enough. You deserve to be happy.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

A big big hug,


Acqua

21 comments:

  1. You are so brave, thank you so much for sharing this. <3 I hope this post helps somebody, sharing on Google+ so more people see this. X

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  2. Thankyou so much for sharing this! I completely understand you as I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts, and it completely rings true what you were saying about the things you would have not seen or experienced had you killed yourself on that day. I think so too, I think of all the amazing things I wanted to do in the future, and thought, what if I died? I couldnt ever do these things? And I still havent completely recovered as I get days where I feel this way, as I am sure you do too, but then I realise, I have got through 100% of my worst days so far and I am still here. Great post, can completely relate, and I think you were so brave to share, so much love xxxxxxxxx
    www.rosieauthorwriting.blogspot.com

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    1. I didn't know you had gone through that as well, I'm so sorry... There are always bad days, but you are so right about getting through 100% of them, I had never seen it that way! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this as well :)

      onmywayacqua.blogspot.com | Acqua xx

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  4. You shared your story not only for yourself but to help out others and let them know there is something good waiting ahead for them. That is the bravest thing ever. You took the courage and decided to write about your personal life and even tho this must have been so hard you did it. This is one of the best inspiring stories I have read because not only you were open but you are helping someone out there to open up too which is awesome. :D Btw that picture is really pretty. ^_^'

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us Acqua :)

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    1. Thank you so much! It means a lot :) xx

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  5. You are so brave for sharing this and I am so proud of you from stepping back down from that balcony xx
    http://blossomofhope.blogspot.com/

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  6. Wow, this is so touching.. You're a brave lady for sharing, big hugs :)

    https://pinksmartiesblog.blogspot.co.uk/

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  7. Such an amazing post, thankyou for sharing that with us, mind checking out my latest post? Xoxo
    Ella

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  8. You're such a strong and beautiful person, take care honey! <3 Xxxx

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    1. It means so much, thanks for giving me the courage :) xx

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  9. Thank you for sharing your experience! You're a strong person and I'm glad you've found your way through this! I've had similar thoughts and experiences and you've described it perfectly in this sentence 'I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to live any more'. I hope more people read this and know theyre not alone when dealing with these things! Stay strong & big hugs! xx

    - Eternalleigh.blogspot.com

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  10. Even though I haven't had simillar thoughts, reading this touched me so much and by the end I teared up. You are such a strong,brave and inspirational person Acqua! Thank you so much for sharing your story because it will surely help a lot of people who are going through some dark times. Stay strong and remember "happiness can be found even in the darkest times if one only remembers to turn on the light" xxx

    mylifeasmarinaa.blogspot.com

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    1. That's something I always, always remind myself :) Thank you so much! xx

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  11. Just reading this has really made me respect you as a person and realise how much strength you have is so inspiring and beautiful. You should be so proud of yourself, because I sure am! xx

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  12. Thank you for sharing your story. You are very brave for putting it out there, and for getting through it, and that will help many people out there get through their own struggles. I'm glad you got through it and are now able to help others do the same.

    To anyone else reading this who might be going through something similar, good things will come your way. You CAN make it through this. It might seem impossible, but you will make it through this and you will be glad you did. Stay strong <3

    Always remember: someone always loves you. And you are beautiful and worth it.

    ~Iris
    http://getupandoutblog.blogspot.ca/

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