Hi there! How are you today? I know I should have posted a Quote of the week because it’s Monday, but there is something that is really bugging me and I feel like I have to write about it, and maybe someone will have a bit of advice for me.
Writing this is really hard for me because it’s an issue that I’ve had for years and I feel like at 20, I should be over it. I never thought it would last for such a long time, and it actually embarasses me a lot. But if I can’t put it here, where would I put it?
Sorry about my rambling, but this is a delicate topic for me. As I’ve said before, I was bullied for a long time, 8 years intermittently. This led me to depression, anxiety and, most importantly for the topic that I’m talking about today, social phobia. I spent a long time having panic of socialising. The sole thought of hugs made me crawl under my bed sheets. I couldn’t have physical contact with anyone because I was too scared. Then I met a boy who took me out of that well and became my best friend. Of course, I fell madly in love with him. How couldn’t I? But things didn’t end up well, and I was left more lonely than I had been previously. I fell back down. And it took me a while to recover.
The thing is… I feel like all those years of isolation were the years in which other people learned to socialise. They got it wrong so many times, but now they know. And I don’t, because I didn’t go through that apart from this only time, and I feel like I’m miles away from where I should be. I grew up too fast in some things, and I’m behind in others. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to socialise “properly”, if that’s even a thing.
The ending of that kind of relationship I had with that boy left me in pieces. He had been the only person I had trusted in a long time and it destroyed me. It took a long time to build myself up, and this time I had to do it on my own. And here I am now.
Sorry again, I don’t know if this is getting too long, but I needed to write the context. The thing is… I’m as scared of being in love as I want to. I’m in love with the idea of being in love. And I swear… sometimes I feel so alone. And here comes the problem. A friend of mine told me how she thinks a boy has a crush on me. I’m not gonna lie… I do look at him with different eyes. But I don’t know if I like like him or I just feel lonely. He is amazing and I wouldn’t want to do that to him. I wouldn’t want to be with him if it’s just that I feel alone. But the problem is things have gotten to a point where I don’t even know how to differentiate both things. How do I know if I’m in love or I just feel alone? Am I in love with him or just with the idea of being with someone? Every time I see him now I’m super tense because I feel like he’s going to say something about that and I don’t want to answer that question. I can’t answer that question. And he doesn’t deserve it.
I don’t know if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like I’m horrible for what I’m doing to him, even though I haven’t really done anything. But just for having these thoughts. I feel like he deserves someone who is completely, 100% mad about him. And I can’t be that person, at least not yet. Sometimes I think I should go away from him so he can find someone better. I’m just a complete mess right now, and I couldn’t think about anything else, so I wrote it.
Anyways, this is me right now. You’ve seen my thoughts or my advice with some things, but with this? I’m really lost. I’ve always been.
Thanks for reading my rambling and sorry about it! I promise Friday’s post will be more cheerful!
A big big hug!